One hour into the evening and still no sign of Susan. Mike briefly talked to her on the phone, she was done with the hair, but stuck in traffic somewhere on the turnpike. I tried to help Caroline in the kitchen, but she'd push me out with a giggle and a kiss.
As time passed, we turned the television on. The incessant babble about the ruined lives of the rich and the famous made for more discussion topics. Mike's flushed cheeks and drawled speech told me he was getting drunk. "Yeah, I know that duuuude," he would say, dragging the u for a few seconds and pointing at some actor on the screen. I remembered Mike as funnier, that was when I used to drink with him, but he was still a hoot. "I defended his sorry ass from some bum rape charge two years ago. Some cute chick from some club claimed he forced himself on her. It was all bullshit." He finished his gin & tonic, which Caroline promptly refilled. "Got him free and clear in the preliminary hearings. She couldn't stand a chance against me. So much so, that she was my date the night after." And we laughed.
Caroline would pop in and out of the kitchen, being amiable and sociable, even to me. "Mike, you're a low dirt scumbag," she would say laughing. "Can anyone have a chance against you or your wily charms?" She'd sip on her long island iced tea, smiling, then she'd walk back to tend to dinner. She was the only woman I knew who could be wearing a sexy black dress, high heels, full make up, and at the same time cook, making a hell of a meal. Not to add that she was still a great hostess.
"Not if I really want it, babe!" He winked at her.
She laughed. "Danny would cut you to shreds if you'd try that with me," and put a hand on my shoulders. I doubted I could hurt him, maybe if he was threatening to hurt me or her first, but I chimed in with my best hick accent.
"Darn tootin'!" I waved a threatening coffee mug at him. "You lay an eye on her, Mikey-boy, and ye gonna have to deal with me!"
Mike laughed hard. "Naah, if I wanted to, I'd make it so that you'd be glad to hand her off to me!"
Caroline stuck her tongue out at him, still laughing, and went back to the kitchen.
Trying to keep up with Mike's perception of reality was a full time job, albeit a pleasant one. I didn't miss the booze, I actually enjoyed the night better. Tonight I wanted tell her everything, how much I loved her, how my love for her led me to change, to become a better man and stop wasting my life in a bottle. I smiled.
"Honey?" Caroline motioned at me to follow her in the kitchen, and I obliged.
"We're out of butter," she whispered.
"Use margarine?"
"Honey!" The conspiring tone of voice was gone, replaced by the Drill Sergeant command voice. "We need butter!"
"It's OK," I smiled and tried to dodge the inevitable. "You can go and I'll entertain Mike. I'm sure he won't mind. Heck, he's half drunk as it is.."
"No," she pointed a menacing greasy spatula at my chest. "You will go, and I will tend to the food. Unless you want the roast beef on the charcoal side of well done."
I didn't want to go out. It was late, it was cold, maybe even raining, and I liked to shoot the breeze with Mike. He might have been a loud ass, but he was my best friend and I hadn't seen him in ages. "Can't we do without?" I pleaded.
"Baby," she gave me that condescending sweet look mixed with the steely assurance that noncompliance would have resulted in a fate worse than death. "Corn on the cob. Mashed potatoes. Sauteed mushrooms. Cream of spinach. Roasted asparagus. Without any butter??"
I looked at her feigning complete and utter ignorance, even gave her my best I'm just here for the party look. She wagged the greasy spatula at me and I knew I had lost this battle. I wanted to point out that she had gone to the store three times in the past five days, but that would have just turned this situation into a major argument, so I huffed, slapped her butt and turned around to go get my coat and keys.
Mike looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
"Got drafted," I said with a crooked smile. "On times of crisis and dire dangers, it falls upon the boldest among us to face certain death in order to make the world a safer place."
Caroline was standing by the kitchen, a hand on her side, with a cute mock frown on her face. "Just make sure that the world is safe and you're back from the war before dinner is ready, will ya?"
Mike laughed. "Don't worry, buddy," he said with a wink. "I'll keep her warm for you!"
I walked out of the front door, saying out loud, "Women, can't live with them!"
As the door closed behind me, I was sure I heard Caroline say "Men, who wants to live with them?"
You could have heard Mike laughing even inside the car, and, as I feared, it started to rain.
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