The evening dragged on. At least it did for me. Everybody was having a great time and I played along. Little by little I warmed up and stopped looking like a stiff from the mortuary, and acted human. Inside, though, I was still torn by the doubt.
When Mike and Susan finally left, Caroline and I cleaned up. We exchanged few words. I wanted to question her, make her tell me the truth, no matter how painful it would have been. I knew I could handle it, and I knew I could restrain myself from acting like a jealous idiot. I had never been the jealous type, and I didn't think I would start now.
Still, I wanted to know. At the same time I had all these doubts. Susan truly looked like Caroline, and it was dark and raining in the back yard. I could have been mistaken. How could I ask Caroline to tell me the truth when I wasn't sure of what I had seen? So I kept quiet and mulled over everything.
I took the trash out, in the back yard. It had stopped raining, and in the cold of the night I felt better. I looked at the kitchen window, now dark, and I couldn't say for sure what had happened. Maybe I should have just said something, mention it in passing how I saw Mike and Susan making out in the kitchen. Caroline would roll her eyes and laugh, but I didn't know it was Susan and I wasn't sure of anything of what happened earlier on.
I went back inside, Caroline was making some noises in the bathroom upstairs, so I turned off all the lights and went up to the bedroom.
I took my clothes off, slipped into bed and closed my eyes. I didn't want to wait for her to be done in the bathroom, I wanted to sleep. A good night of sleep is what I needed, that would've cleared my mind and make it all better. It's always better in the morning.
I fell asleep immediately, and right away I had nightmares. The house was on fire, old crones were laughing at me pointing their bony fingers to me, and other amenities. Then a noise woke me up, but I only opened my eyes and didn't move.
"Dan," said Caroline, and I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. "Where were you?"
I pretended to be still sleeping.
"I know you are awake." She poked me in the side. "I told you I want answers, and this time you can't get out of it."
I sighed but didn't turn or say anything.
"Where are you been all these evenings?" She kept poking me in the side and shaking me. I hated it.
"I didn't drink."
"So where have you been?"
"I didn't do anything wrong."
"Look at me!"
I didn't want to look, not tonight, not while I was still confused.
"Where have you been?!" She grabbed my shoulders and tried to turn me around. "If you didn't go out to get plastered as usual, what did you do outside?!"
"I told you so many times, I don't go out to drink."
"You disappear for hours, without explanation," she pushed me hard. "You say you didn't drink, yet you won't tell me what you are up to."
I kept mum. What difference would have it made if she knew? Did I even care at this point?
I heard her breathing breaking up quietly. Tears. The last weapon of the guilty woman. "What's her name?"
"Who?"
"The one you have been seeing all these nights."
I twisted around in an instant. "What?" How could SHE ask ME such a question?! "What are you talking about?"
"You kept drinking and drinking for months, years." She was sobbing now. "Then all of a sudden you start going out late at night, but come back without the stench of smoke and booze."
"And?"
"You have someone else," she wiped her tears with her fingers. "Someone who made you quit drinking."
"Caroline.." I couldn't form a coherent thought. The scene in the kitchen window, Susan looking a lot like her, Mike's comments, now her accusations. It was all a ball of searing pain that fumbled in my brain.
"Who, dammit, who?!" Her face was streaming with tears, and she began banging my chest.
"There is no one else, Caroline." It was odd, I didn't feel anything. No pity, no desire to take her in my arms and comfort her. Nothing. All I could think of was whomever I saw in the kitchen window.
"Who, you bastard, who is she?!" She hit me harder. "I can see it in your eyes."
"Enough, Caroline!" My voice was getting louder. "It's all in your head!" In her head. Like the scene that kept repeating in my head over and over. Caroline or Susan, kissing Mike. Susan or Caroline. One and the same.
"Who!? I deserve to know!" She slapped me across the face. My face burned where she left her hand print.
"No one!"
"Bullshit!" And she slapped me again.
"You will not hit me, not ever again." My voice was strange, coming from somewhere deep and dark inside of me. From the same place where the desire to reach out and strangle her was coming from.
"Give me her name!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
"No one!" The lying, cheating bitch. Accusing me of what she had just done the same night under my very own roof. "NO ONE!"
She tried to slap me again, but I caught her wrist with my hand and squeezed it hard.
"I told you not to hit me ever again!"
"Daniel!" She winced and try to pull her arm free of my grasp. "Let go! You're hurting me!"
I yanked her arm to the side. "And I told you that there is no one else!" I saw fear in her eyes. It felt good.
"There is no one else," I repeated, squeezing her fine wrist harder. "No one! I have been going to Alcoholics Anonymous!" I spat the words at her, and with each word she tried to pull back further. "AA Meetings! Getting clean!"
"Danny, baby, my arm hurts." With every pull I squeezed harder and yanked in the opposite direction. "Please baby!"
"You constantly harass me, nag me, fucking berate me with your stupid incessant questions!" The more she squirmed, the louder I spoke and the more I squeezed and yanked. "I tell you I quit, and you don't believe me! You never believe me!!" She grabbed my arm and dug her nails in it, trying to free her captive wrist. I squeezed harder still. "I told you I didn't wanna talk about it, and you nag me to death, even when I try to sleep!! Nag nag nag!" I shook her hand off my arm and pushed. She squealed and I felt the heat inside of me exploding. "I told you I there isn't anyone else, and you slap me!" I twisted her arm, pulled her close to me and yelled at the top of my lungs. "And when I tell you not to hit me again, you go and try again!"
I let go her wrist and pushed her off of me. "What do you want from my life?"
She crawled off the bed, her face red and covered with tears. She had gone too far. This time I would show her who she was messing with.
"What? You ran out of words now? After all you have said?! You accused me of cheating. YOU! After what you have done to me!" Her face showed complete panic and I started moving toward her like a panther stalking its prey. "After the way you ripped my heart apart with your deeds!" I crawled closer, inches from her face. "After I saw you throwing yourself at Mike like the whore that you are!!"
Caroline raised her arms to her face. Her cheeks were flushed, with red streaks coming down from her eyes. Her mouth slightly open with only small squeaky noises coming out.
"I can't hear you, honey. What? You thought I'd never figure it out?"
She started crawling backwards away from me toward one corner of the room. I got closer.
"What is it, honey? Cat got your fucking tongue?"
"Baby, please.." She squirmed like a mouse. Like a rat caught with cheese in her mouth, trying to avoid the impending just punishment.
"Please what?" I took one step closer. "Please stop throwing the truth in my face?" Another step closer. "Please stop finding out about my affairs?" I stood up towering her. "Please WHAT? Speak up, whore! I can't hear you!"
She squeezed herself in the corner, whimpering, curling up like a porcupine. "Baby, please don't hurt me!"
"Why would I hurt you? Huh? WHY? Why would I hurt my fucking angel?" Her fear told me all I needed to know. She did it, it was her. "Have you done something you shouldn't have? HUH?" My hands were clenched in tight fists. "Yes you have!" And with that I slapped her hard across the face.
She screamed and I hit her again.
"You see what you made me do?" I slapped her again. "After all I've done for you!" I punched her and she shrieked, curling tighter to avoid my hands. "After all the sacrifices, the hardships!" I snatched the arm covering her face and slapped her again. "After all these years!" She was in absolute panic, but I punched her down and started crying as well. "After all this time! Why did you have to do that to me?"
I started hitting her repeatedly, crying with every hit I landed on her. She was bawling and sobbing, screaming when I'd hit her harder.
It lasted forever, or so it felt. Then all of a sudden I realized what I had done, and fell back, pushing myself away from her. I had hurt her, the woman I loved more than anything in the world. There she was, crying, whimpering, crumpled up in the corner.
I wanted to say something, call her name, to try to make things better, but nothing would come out of my mouth. She kept crying and crying, and I knew there was nothing I could ever do or say.
I sat in front of her, naked on the floor, and put my head between my knees, with my hands over my head, staring at the carpet. How did I ever fall this low?
I heard some noises. Caroline getting up. I peeked without moving my head and saw her stumbling up, her chemise ripped, something dark smeared on her chest and arms. I brought a hand to my eyes and saw the same stain. It smelled of blood.
Nothing mattered anymore. Whether she had been cheating on me or not felt trivial. My pride counted for nothing. Now there was no going back, I had lost her forever, because of my stupid self.
My tears had stopped. I was too stunned to cry. All I could managed to do was to stare at my feet and listen to Caroline's slow movements, accompanied by her crying. I heard her open a drawer, moving things in there. I knew what she was looking for and I deserved it.
Some metallic clicks, a pause, then more clicks. I looked up, only to stare at a barrel and the reflection of the night lights in her eyes. It was dark in the room, but I could see and feel the cold fire in her.
She spoke. There was nothing but hatred, disgust, and death in her voice. "You will never hit me again."
I made no attempts to shield myself. My guilt was soon to be removed from me, and I longed for that as I longed for Caroline all these years. She said something else, but I didn't hear it. I think I smiled.
After that it was just a white hot rose of pain rapidly blossoming in my face. Then another. I didn't feel the third.
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