Caius and Niume

Caius walked in the cave first, torch in one hand, single shot pistol in the other.

"No one has been here, good" he said.

"I don't want to be here," said the witch, "it's cold and damp."

"I don't want to be here either, that's why we're going to go through this very fast and then we're going out of here."

"And then you pay me!" she said.

"I already paid you. Don't try memory spells on me, witch, they don't work, ok?"

Caius started getting into the deeper part of the cave.

"Call me Niume, it's my name darling. You're cute. Maybe a payment in nature?" she asked smiling.

"What?" Caius stopped and stared at Niume. "NO! Nonono! Don't even think about it. Just.. just do your job, will ya? Gods. Keep the portal open long enough for me to go in, get that elf, and get out, ok? That's it. No payments in nature!"

"Oh, come on," whined Niume smiling at him.

Looking at Niume, in the flickering light of the torch, Caius mind conjured all kind of situations that involved him, the witch, and absolutely no clothes.

If I survive any of this, I swear I'll never hire witches again. Greedy, stinking, lecherous, ugly ugly UGLY oh my god she's smiling! I'm gonna throw up.

"For the love of all that's holy and sacred! Stop looking at me like that!! I get out of there alive, in one piece, and with my sanity, AND my honor, then I.. uh.." Caius gave a second look to Niume and repressed a heave. "I will give you a bonus! Yes! Money! 10 extra crowns! Ok? Please?"

"Oh fine fine, darling, but you don't know what you're missing!"

"I don't wanna know. Just follow me, shut up, and don't touch me" said Caius, hurrying again in the cave.

About one hour later, Niume and Caius were standing in front of a shimmering portal. Caius snuffed the torch and put it on the ground.

There's light enough in here, he thought, besides.. might need to the fire.. if it gets cold.. or the witch gets cozy.. why do they all smell of cabbage? Seventeen years old boiled cabbage.. shouldn't have had breakfast this morning.

Niume approached the portal giggling softly, and Caius took one step back toward the torch. She caressed the portal's stone arch, passing her fingers over the ancient gliphs, murmuring words Caius didn't understand. She then hunched her old figure to her right, over a bowl carved in stone. She giggled some more and licked the bowl slowly, glancing a smile to Caius.

I think I'll kill her when I get out, he thought showing her a big grin.

Niume then took a stone dagger from a opening in the wall and started chanting in a loud voice, then she giggled some more and looked at Caius, who was nervously caressing the grip of his holstered pistol.

Yes, kill her. Slowly.

Niume winked at him while finishing the chant.

Cut her to pieces. Then burn those pieces. Then take a piss on the ashes.

"Ooohh, Caius... such a long time.. haven't been here in such a long time," said Niume while turning to Caius.

"And nothing has changed, right? Ya still know how to get me through this, right?" inquired Caius.

"Uh huh, I sure do, my darling!" beamed Niume. "But there's something, a gift, a token, a little something that's still needed.."

"And that would be..."

"BLOOD!" exclaimed the witch, eyes wide open while licking her lips and slowly moving toward Caius.

Caius grabbed his pistol without drawing it, eyeballed Niume and stood his ground.

Screw cutting. One ball in the head, right between the eyes.

"You sure? This is the right way to do open this thing?" he asked.

"Yes, my darling, I am sure," she said while smiling at him and batting her eyelashes.

Like a mouse, he thought. Her voice is just like the squeeks of a rat who has found a large piece of cheese, the largest piece of cheese in the universe, and has gone completely crazy in joy. Do witches REALLY eat children? What about adults? Or they just hump them to death?

"The only way?" he asked with a flat tone of voice, still gripping his pistol.

"Yes, nothing else will do." Niume was giggling and slowly swinging her hips side by side, making creaking noises.

I wonder if she's actually human underneath those filthy, stinking, godawful rags she has on. Oh, gods, mental images! I'm gonna be sick.

Caius moved sideways, around Niume and putting himself between the bright portal and her.

"I mean, it's not that I don't trust you or your capabilities. You're surely the greatest witch I've ever hired," he said. And one of the greatest mistake I've ever made. Lords, tell me that's just my imagination and the shadows, and not some sort of tail she's wagging slowly underneath her skirt.

"But, uh," continued. "I've never heard of such a key. Blood.. for a portal. Just a portal."

Witches are..were humans. Humans don't have tails, right? Some men, tho, have.. Ugh. Gotta stop it. If I throw up right here she will take advantage of me.

"Maybe there's something else? Written in some ancient manuscript somewhere in a remote pagoda on top of a mountain in some other country where you will now go to and return in several years? Centuries even. I'd wait for you."

"No, darling, there is no other way," said Niume shaking her head. "You want to cross the portal, you have to spill some blood."

"SOME blood, it doesn't necessarily have to mean my.." he perked up his voice. HER blood?

"I meant YOUR blood, sweetie," she interrupted him. "It's quite simple: This portal will let through only someone who has spilled THEIR blood in the bowl."

"I'm very attached to my blood," complained Caius.

"It's just a few drops! You don't have to fill that bowl!"

"OH!" Caius relaxed his grip on the pistol, but kept his eyes on the witch. "Well, that's better. Yes, much better. Drops. Why didn't you say it earlier?"

"Because the moment I said something about spilling your blood, you started whining!"

Niume turned toward the portal and played with the dagger, then, with a smirk, gave a side look at Caius and giggled.

Drops. Yeah. Sure. Ah huh, he thought, but only narrowed his eyes and didn't reply. Horny old thing likes pain.

"Ok," he exhaled forcefully. "Drops it is. I believe you." No, I don't, but at least going through this portal will cut a lot of time searching the highlands for the elf bitch's hideout.

"A couple of drops, and then I can go through without further delays, right, old bat?" Caius asked.

Niume scowled. "The name is Niume. And yes, darling, it will lead you right near the entrance, in a nice safe spot, and everything else. Been through this portal before, you know."

Caius huffed, but didn't say anything. Yes. Definitively cut her to pieces, burn her, and piss on the ashes.

"You know, you complain a lot for being an adventurer and a man of action," she wagged a finger at him.

"Differently from most other adventurers and men of action, I survived all of my encounters, portal crossings, and even dealing with vampires, ghouls, and horny old witches." He snapped at her. "Now, are you going to draw the blood, or do I do it?"

"No," she said, "I have to do it, it has to be a woman's hand."

"All right, whatever," Caius said, rolling up his sleeve.

"Good!" exclaimed the witch smiling. "Now drop your pants!"

"What? What for?" asked Caius.

"Blood letting, darling!" she replied with a giggle.

"You need blood from my knees?"

"You cute silly thing," she said still giggling. "From your penis!"

"HELL NO!" cried out Caius while clamping his hands over his crotch. Burn her first. Alive. Then put the fire off and burn her again after she healed. Then piss on her ashes.

"Why not?"

"What do you mean 'why not'? You perverted old whore. You are NOT getting your old leathery paws on my little friend! And especially not with any sharp or pointed objects!" Caius was starting to be loud.

"Not just any object!" Niume's eyes were getting wider, and her voice louder. "The Sacred Razor of Mha'Duh'Ahri!" she wielded the dagger high in her hand, with a smile beaming from her face. A few teeth were missing.

"The sacred.. Are you nuts? That's a piece of rock, bitch! Something some bum left behind!!" Caius hands zoomed back and forth, from his crotch to the hilt of his sword, back to his crotch, then to his pistol, and again to his crotch.

"Put that crap down! Now!" he ordered. "Mahahaduri.. madahuri.. Balls of Ba'al!! Do you make this crap up as you go, or is it part of the usual repertoire??"

"It's not crap!" She looked offended. "It is written! On the stone arch! Look!" Niume pointed at the strange characters all around the portal.

"I can't read that shit, woman. That's why I hired you!" Caius took a deep breath, pulled back his sleeve, and walked over to the torch.

"Any man who wishes to pass through the gate," she proclaimed reading aloud, "shall leave a token of his submission to Mha'Duh'Ahri! Blood from the stem of his progeny!"

"Oh, for the love of the gods!" exclaimed Caius picking up the torch. "My contract is for a woman, an elf, how did SHE pass??"

"Women don't have to give blood. They can go through as they please." She was talking with a rather matter-of-fact voice, like it was common knowledge and he was an idiot for not knowing.

"This is insane! Who built this portal? A leather clad dominatrix sorceress hell bent on giving women on the run a free pass?!?"

Caius started striking the flint to light the torch.

"It was a demoness, not a sorceress, but for the rest you have it right. Mha'Duh'Ahri is the demoness that started the first witch coven thousands of years ago, and, yes, she does hate males."

"Bet she was so fucking ugly, she never got any!" He huffed, and motioned at Niume. "Come on, let's get out of here."

Caius started walking back toward the cave entrance. I'm too nice, he thought. Should leave her here to rot.

"But! Wait!! And the fugitive??" Niume shrieked.

"I'll find someone else to go through this for me, and tell me where it leads. Maybe an eunuch."

Caius picked up the pace without looking back, and Niume had to rush behind him.

"You're such a wuss! Just a few drops!!" protested Niume.

"Yep. A wuss with his jolly good friend all in one piece. You're not gonna touch it, ok? Millions of women would've been devastated if I went through with this and you sneezed."

"Ok, ok," she said with a softer voice. "Still," she sighed. "I would've liked to see it, to hold it. I'm still a woman, you know? It has been a while. Nobody stops to give me their homages."

She walked behind him, skipping steps to keep up.

"That's because you're nine hundred years old. At your age you shouldn't think of what men have between their legs: you should be thinking of grand kids, knitting stuff, rocking chairs. Where you're gonna be buried." Old, leathery, horny, stinky, ugly, he sighed. Freaking feeling bad for you.

"I like to think of you," said Niume smiling.

"Niume?" Asked Caius, without slowing down or turning.

"Yes, dear?"

"There is something seriously wrong with you."